whipped my hair back and forth

I always seem to take things to the extreme when I’m alone. Like this weekend for example. The boyfriend needed to go away on Saturday morning, gets back home tomorrow, but since he’s been gone all I’ve done is eat junk food, drink copious amounts of beer and wine and update my facebook. Like 300 times a day and you can tell how bored / pissed I am because yesterday all I did was talk about Willow Smith.

Sad eh?

What’s sadder is that I actually love her song. I cant get enough of it. and it makes me want to dance in a naughty way, which just freaks me out because it’s sung my a 9 year old.

There is something not right about that, but who am I to say so.

I feel like death warmed up, but I’m not complaining. This is entirely my own fault. I’m going to look for a hole to crawl into and wait for this day to end. I need my bed.

Am I the only one who thinks Willow looks like she could be an extra in Avatar? It’s terrible that I’m talking about a child like this, but really. It’s not my fault.

I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', I'm travelin' thru

Do you have a theme song? One for your life? ya know? Even Ally Mc Beal had one. You really should think about getting one for yourself if you don’t already.

I think that a theme song will say / can say / does say a lot about who you are as a person, or in the very least, how you see yourself. My friend Karin, the one who passed away two weeks ago, her theme song was “Mama Mia” - can you believe it? hehe. It makes me smile. It was played full blast after her funeral while we were still at the church.

God that made me cry and smile and still wiping the tears out of my eyes I could not help but burst out laughing.

I’m sure she was sitting up on her cloud laughing back.

Anyhoodle, I digress.

My theme song is a song I love very much. Sang by a woman I love very much. It was also the song voted “best represents wozzel” by a group of my friends back in 2008.

And I want this played at my funeral one day too. I think that it really sums me up. I don’t know why exactly, but it feels right.


Dolly Parton – Traveling Through (I’m so sweet, I even copied the words down for you all to read)


Well I can't tell you where I'm going, I'm not sure of where I've been
But I know I must keep travelin' till my road comes to an end
I'm out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it
I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit

Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home
Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' on

Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we're here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We've all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I'm born again, you're gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to you
As I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', as I'm travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it's hard to travel on
But holdin' to each other, we don't have to walk alone
When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try
We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly

Goodbye little children, goodnight you handsome men
Farewell to all you ladies and to all who knew me when
And I hope I'll see you down the road, you meant more than I knew
As I was travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin'
Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind
Oh give me some direction lord, let me lean on you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Like the poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find my own way home
Oh sweet Jesus if you're out there, keep me ever close to you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', as I'm travelin' thru

Madiba

Just the other day, like last week or so, the world was a buzz with news that our ex President, Nelson Mandela had taken ill and was pretty much “on his way out”

These rumors we quashed and immediately people took offence and articles were written and “who ever” started these rumors and supported them were called “malicious” and other ugly things…

But they were. And deserved to be called much worse.

Only, now, reports are that Nelson Mandela has indeed taken ill and is currently in hospital. This has been confirmed.

Lets be real here. The man is 92 years old. What do we expect? For him to live forever? He is a great man who has accomplished many wonderful things in his life – but he is not a God and one day, whenever that is, he will pass on.

It’s going to be one crazy day I’m sure.
Not only will the world feel this loss, but an entire nation, a country – us, South Africa will feel that blow 100 times more.

I’ve read a few articles in the past written by Educated people, Doctors and Professors etc, who have discussed the “depression” the country and world would most probably go into once this day arrives, and I can see how it could be true.

I mean, for goodness sake, the world went mad when Elvis died, and all he really did was dress up in strange outfits and sing songs.

Blah blah blah.. I could go on and on. The point is, it’s a sad situation, but most definitely one that wont just go away.

aah. love. hehe.

I’ve decided that I’m in love with Darren Criss.

And I want to have his babies.

Well, we could practice as much as we need to.

Ya know?

His smile makes my groin all tingly.

And just incase you’ve been living under a rock in the Transvaal, he’s the dude in Glee who sang “Teenage Dream” for Kurt…

Sigheth.

Die Kurt. Die.

just another day

I just tried again, today
And it slipped away.
You can’t turn back the hands of time,
Not in this frame of mind anyway.

So I’ll try again,
On another day,
Just like any other day.

I see the sun come crashing through,
And I see the light shining on you.
I see the sun come crashing by -
And I hope this time it will reach my side.

uuurgh!

I’m currently faced with a life changing decision.

Do I stay or do I go?

And I’m not asking for answers, I get that only I can make the decision, but I need to get it out there. Off my chest. I need to write about it because I find it difficult to speak about it.

I’ve always wanted to travel. I had tried once before to do the London thing, but for what ever reason, at the time – my Visa application was declined. Out of the 10 friends I had applied with I was the only one declined and was not even given a reason.

I don’t even really want to go to any particular place, I just want to go somewhere. Somewhere different. Somewhere that is not here. I want see. Touch. Experience something new. Something I cant here.

I’m thinking of going to Thailand for a year to teach English.

There. I said it.

And I’ve been pushing this thought, yes, this very thought, to the back of my mind where I file all those other “things that will probably never happen” for years now. Years. But ya know what. It keeps coming back. Every now and again, just as I get all comfortable in life thinking – aaah, finally I have all I wanted; life is good, tra la la la la – BANG! The thoughts come creeping back. And then I push them back, and they say “fuck you” and they creep in again.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to ignore this of late.

I have only really spoken to my boyfriend about this and he says “go for it”.
He says “I will still be here when you get back, it’s only a year”
He says “It’s an experience of a life time”
He says “I loved my year in Taiwan”
He says “It keeps coming back to you babe. Go. Enjoy. See. Experience.”

And I’m petrified. I’m frozen in fear. I’m having the toughest time just MAKING the decision.

I don’t want to be away from him for so long.

And at the same time. He is the only reason (I sincerely believe) that I am being so hesitant at the moment. A part of me has made up my mind but the other part is saying “what if EVERYTHING you know changes after this? And can you really leave him behind?”

Oh I’ve tried convincing him to come with me. As he points out, he’s already done it. He experienced it all. He is a very lucky man in the sense that he had all the opportunity in the world to travel and has been everywhere.

The reason I have not spoken to friends and family is because I don’t want to get peoples imaginations running. I don’t want other people involved just yet.

I just want to make the right decision. And it’s bloody scary.

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I'm also really scared (concerned) about what will happen when I get back. It's tough to find work in this country. Especialy if you are a white male. And even more so when you're over 30. Which I will be should I go.

sigheth.

I guess this is goodbye

cheating death

when I get there, we will drink apple martinis together again...

I’ve had such an amazing weekend. Unfortunately also sad day. A very dear friend of mine, who has been fighting cancer for the last 6 years passed away yesterday afternoon. When I first got the news I did not believe it. I had to call her husband for confirmation. It just did not seem right. It was not real. Could it be? Could my friend, the machine – the fighter really be gone? I got to work this morning, very sad. You see, this friend of mine used to work here with us. She was our supervisor. So we are a company in mourning. I was not at work on Friday because I had fallen. My back went into spasm and I was confined to a bed in hospital on Thursday evening and all of Friday. What I did not know was that she had come in to the office on Friday for a quick visit. I of course was not here. There was a note left on my desk, it read :

“Wozzie! I was here and you weren’t; now you’re here and I am not! Miss you. Lots of love from me”

I think it is amazing that I have this – but it hurts knowing she is not here anymore. It’s like this was her goodbye to me.

We now need to learn to Rest In Peace in her absence, and I truly pray and hope that she too has now found peace.

of glass doors... that's all

Had a really nice chat with my boss today. Just mentioned that last year, for whatever reason, I was not really “here”. Not “in the zone” and not really “feeling” it.

Work that is.

And how I got back to work this year thinking that I am going to really just try make it work. Give it a real good bashing.

I went on to say that it’s been crap though and that already in this first week back it feels as if I’m really just hitting glass doors. Every time I’ve tried something new or tried to be proactive (already in 4 days) I’ve just had a tough time getting what I need from other departments, colleagues etc…

He said something I really liked and I’m going to try my best to remember this.

“Keep trying. Keep giving it all you can. Let’s look for the options. There must be options. Can we not take the door down? Perhaps we need to open those glass doors. If we can’t, then maybe we need to paint them so at least you can see them there before you walk into them. What ever you do, don’t give up.”

I like it, because I’m famous for walking into glass doors. So, if we cant take the doors down. Lets open them. And if that still does not work. Paint the door so you can see it before you walk SMACK into it.

Oh. And HAPPY NEW YEAR you’all