uuurgh!

I’m currently faced with a life changing decision.

Do I stay or do I go?

And I’m not asking for answers, I get that only I can make the decision, but I need to get it out there. Off my chest. I need to write about it because I find it difficult to speak about it.

I’ve always wanted to travel. I had tried once before to do the London thing, but for what ever reason, at the time – my Visa application was declined. Out of the 10 friends I had applied with I was the only one declined and was not even given a reason.

I don’t even really want to go to any particular place, I just want to go somewhere. Somewhere different. Somewhere that is not here. I want see. Touch. Experience something new. Something I cant here.

I’m thinking of going to Thailand for a year to teach English.

There. I said it.

And I’ve been pushing this thought, yes, this very thought, to the back of my mind where I file all those other “things that will probably never happen” for years now. Years. But ya know what. It keeps coming back. Every now and again, just as I get all comfortable in life thinking – aaah, finally I have all I wanted; life is good, tra la la la la – BANG! The thoughts come creeping back. And then I push them back, and they say “fuck you” and they creep in again.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to ignore this of late.

I have only really spoken to my boyfriend about this and he says “go for it”.
He says “I will still be here when you get back, it’s only a year”
He says “It’s an experience of a life time”
He says “I loved my year in Taiwan”
He says “It keeps coming back to you babe. Go. Enjoy. See. Experience.”

And I’m petrified. I’m frozen in fear. I’m having the toughest time just MAKING the decision.

I don’t want to be away from him for so long.

And at the same time. He is the only reason (I sincerely believe) that I am being so hesitant at the moment. A part of me has made up my mind but the other part is saying “what if EVERYTHING you know changes after this? And can you really leave him behind?”

Oh I’ve tried convincing him to come with me. As he points out, he’s already done it. He experienced it all. He is a very lucky man in the sense that he had all the opportunity in the world to travel and has been everywhere.

The reason I have not spoken to friends and family is because I don’t want to get peoples imaginations running. I don’t want other people involved just yet.

I just want to make the right decision. And it’s bloody scary.

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I'm also really scared (concerned) about what will happen when I get back. It's tough to find work in this country. Especialy if you are a white male. And even more so when you're over 30. Which I will be should I go.

sigheth.