of magic... and that is all

I woke up on Monday morning 6th September with the birds. As usual. I went down stairs, made a cup of coffee and grabbed my ciggies. Hooked up the hammock and rocked gently, to and fro – sipping my extra strong, black coffee and trying to blow rings of smoke. A talent I have never mastered in all my years (cough cough) of smoking. I started thinking to myself, which is something I often do when I’m by myself – about nothing at all. I was just… just. I looked around the garden, through the sliding doors into the living room and my eyes traced the embellished ballistrading leading upstairs to the loft where I knew my boyfriend was sleeping, and would still be for at least 3 more hours (remember I was up early, super early). Suddenly I felt very – very depressed, perhaps more frightened. Scared. Nervous. Sad.

All of a smelly sardine I was questioning the move. The next chapter of our lives – the one that sees the boyfriends moving out of the communal house into their own space. Suddenly it dawned on me that nothing was quite the same anymore. That even though we have lived together for over a year – this was different. It’s just you and me baby, just you and me.

Please note : You’re reading the blog of a man who has always lived alone. Always maintained independence, in the totality of the word and was now having to realize that things change, as they do. And the change had come.

I will admit that I was quite baffled by this uneasy feeling. Why now? I had been so very sure that this was what I wanted. I was so excited about this move. Why now was I feeling like this? I tried to shake off the feeling of uncertainty – but it would not budge, and so I had a glass of wine and a joint for breakfast at 05:00am while I rocked gently, to and fro in my hammock. This helped. For an hour, because when the world cleared up in my gaze, the game resumed and I was left there, in the hammock with the same thoughts running through my mind.

This continued for the rest of the day – and I never left home. I sat there, asking myself “why – why you thinking like this guy? What is going on?” and for once I had nothing to say. The king of the comment was stuck. And the king of comment struggled with these thoughts running through his head right up until Tuesday evening.

The boyfriend noticed I was not quite the same. I was quiet. I seemed moody. He seemed to pick up on my vibe, but he let me be, reminding me he was there and reassuring me of his love. Which helped a whole lot I promise because the next morning – as I woke up, with the birds as always – crept down stairs and made my coffee, sat on the patio sipping away and again trying (failing) to blow smoke rings, I started seeing the world through new eyes. I started feeling excited again. I realized that after one year of living together in a communal environment – and now living just the two of us was a good thing. Not a bad thing. I have nothing to fear.

The magic is still there, and maybe even more a little more powerful.

The rest of the week I had off was wonderful. We did not do very much as at the moment we are not able to spend money. With only me working, and the initial cost of our move, which was also all on my shoulders we have to be careful this month. We did however spend a lot of time on the beach and I have the tan to prove it. The time off, with the boyfriend at home too, was excellent for us. Being “forced” to spend so much time together and at home we spent a lot more time talking. Which I realized is something we have not really had much of. We also spent A LOT of time intimately, which was also something we had not done much of over the last few weeks and that was when it dawned on me just how pathetic stress can be to a person.

With my loves retrenchment, me working like a mad ogre (I’ve even been called megalomaniac…eek) and then the move, I forgot – for a moment (two days) that this was why I had been feeling so icky. It was quite normal that after a few months of stress and worry – that the one day I sit down to enjoy time off, it all caught up with me. And I only then began to process the enormity of it all.

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve returned to work feeling great. Positive. Energized. Rested, relaxed and very happy. I’ve learnt that tough times maketh a person and that good times and bad times come and go and that everything we go through is a lesson. That the tougher, more worrying times remind you of where you have been and where you can get to and how to get there.

And most importantly I learnt that I am so ridiculously and securely in love with someone who is so ridiculously and securely in love with me.

I did not chase after goats or toads.
I did not need to dig up any sand or turn any stones.
I did not need to wish on a star or the moon to find any magic…

It was there. Like it always is. In front of my eyes. It was in my bloody living room. In the kitchen – up the stairs, in the garden – there is even some magic in the hammock… It is everywhere

We need to stop forgetting this.

I need to stop forgetting this.