i can't get no sleep

Last night my boyfriend decided he wanted to learn how to play the guitar.

Heavens help me.

I’ve taught kids how to play piano. I’ve taught kids how to play guitar. Teaching my boyfriend how to play guitar, is another story all together. I would sooner shave my scrotum with a straight razor.

Lucky for you this post has bugger all to do with my boyfriends guitar playing progress (or lack there of) – or shaving my scrotum, but I thought I would throw that in for a bit of useless info.

Now you know. And I’m moving on.

I have not been able to sleep for about a month now. I’ve always had problems with my sleep patterns, but things are getting out of hand now. I will lay awake, looking at the clock and think to myself, "OK, I can still get 6 hours sleep. That’s not bad. Alright, 4 hours, four isn't great, but it's at least 4 hours. If I go to sleep right now, I will get 3 hours. Now! As long as I go to sleep now I can still get 2 hours. I will just drink lots of espresso tomorrow. And it is today now, not last night. Wow, I didn't sleep again!"

Yeah. After a month of this I went to see my doctor and told him I cannot get to sleep. He asked me the standard questions.

Is there anything going on in my life that would upset me? Am I stressed? Am I sad? Am I anxious? Am I nervous? Am I overly excited?
He runs some medical tests, takes some blood.
Nothing.

Are you having relationship problems? Anything stressing you out? I say “no. Not at all.”

He asks if I am using any illegal drugs.
I say “not yet”

After seeing the commercials for every possible problem you could have and thinking that you can just go in these days and say, I want that, this doctor sets his clip board down, takes a deep breath and asks me in complete earnestness, "Have you tried masturbation?"

Have I tried Masturbation!

Dude!!! That was plan B, C & D after A of actual full on – energy consuming action. I am not paying the R280 consultation fee for this advice. Have I tried masturbation? You have to be kidding me! What do you think I am doing in between looking at the clock? I am bored out of my mind with masturbation to the point of sitting on my hand to make it feel like someone else's while the boyfriends asleep and I’m still awake!

That’s irony for you. My hand has fallen asleep, but I can't.

Give me pills, bitch!

Besides being incredibly improper and more than creepy, asking a man if he has tried masturbation in order to sleep is like asking a man if he's tried masturbation to sleep!!

If anything, I would think the pharmaceutical companies would want to suppress knowledge of it so people are forced to consider their products over a natural remedy. The way things are going with the drug companies writing the legislation that monitors them and the arch moral conservatives pushing their way into our lives, I can see a day just around the corner where I will need a prescription to jack-off.

So I got a new doctor.

One who doesn't recommend masturbation.

But this experience has left me wondering if I have glimpsed the future of mental health care in this country.

DVD store, strip club, pet shop and pharmacy all under one roof.
You just wanna hope that they will not make mistakes.

"Umm, excuse me. I brought in a prescription for masturbation and you gave me a poodle. I think there has been a mistake."

Funny part, the Doctor explained to me that a man who masturbates at least 3 times a week has a 70% chance of never developing prostate cancer.
In that case, I am 140% cured.

Now close the door...

I'm not looking at porn. I'm getting a prescription filled!